The Occasional Observer

Next week would have been Rodney Dangerfield’s 89th birthday. Can’t let it go by without giving you 10 of his one-liners.

-I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

-Once when I was lost…I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid…there are so many places they can hide.”

-If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

-During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

-I was such an ugly kid…when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

-I was such an ugly baby…my mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

-I’m so ugly…my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

-I’m so ugly…my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

-I’m so ugly…I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.