The Occasional Observer

I can openly share with you our primary and secondary objectives. Please turn your attention to Eighth Directorate Chief Lane of RedState:

VRWC Briefing, 03/05/2008.

By Moe Lane

Transmitted 03/03/2008.

Good job on Ohio, everyone! We're still calibrating the Texas results to ensure the maximum amount of confusion and heartbreak all around, but the centerpiece of last night went off without a hitch, and we should all take this moment to compliment our Freemason division for making sure that Ohio's results reflected our collective Will. We should also note the less less-flashy (but no less valuable) machinations of our Opus Dei division in securing Rhode Island; you guys always come through for us when we need you, and you don't get enough praise for that. Great work.

And let us again offer our sympathies for everybody who argued so passionately for flipping Vermont. Now that it's over, we can say this: we really wanted to, guys. We were pretty sure that we'd get at least three pundit aneurysms on national TV out of it. But we had to go with not being too obvious in our scheming. We're genuinely sorry, and we've decided to make it up to all of you by offering a lottery this election cycle: you folks vote on which state will be the Election Night Surprise, and we'll incorporate the winner somehow. Just don't make it California or Texas, OK? - Just kidding; pick whichever one you like.

Moving on, please review your outline of the Democratic nomination process. As planned, we will be now switching our focus to ensure that Senator Obama "wins" the Wyoming and Mississippi races; this should revive his supporters' hopes sufficiently to maximize Democratic primary voter disillusionment over Senator Clinton's "win" of Pennsylvania. This is the tricky part of the campaign, but we're certain that all of you will rise up to the challenge, even if we hadn't implanted explosive devices in your cerebral cortexes.

Cortexi?

At any rate, good job last night, but we've got more work ahead of us. Remember: every voter that we drive away now is one less vote that the Diebold machines have to change.

Five tons of flax,

The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

PS: BINGO NIGHT IS RETURNING! Hey, if we had known that canceling it would have resulted in so many emails, calls, assassination attempts, and hijackings of the Orbital Mind Control Lasers, we'd have never have touched it in the first place.